November

19

2009

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Desiring the Undesirable

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I was working with one of my “B.E. Partnering” clients, who is an extremely successful individual on Wall Street, and he was perplexed as to why he experiences financial success in his world, but is unable to find someone to share his life with and develop an intimate relationship. I asked him if he would mind if I shared his story with all of BRANDENTITY, and he agreed. What I learned from him was that his relationships fell into one of three categories:

  1. External beauty with internal emptiness
  2. Geographically undesirable
  3. Repeat offenders, or in other words, constantly pursuing the same type person from a prior unsuccessful relationship while expecting a different result.

This gentleman defines the concept of “desiring the undesirable” because the women he pursues are undesirable in more ways than they are actually desirable. He is turned on by challenging relationships and continues to pursue people with absolutely no chance of survival. He went as far as to admit that from the onset of most of his relationships, he is cognizant that the union will be short lived. He continued to tell me about a woman who lives in his apartment building, who he described as the “total package,” possessing both beauty inside and out, but since he feels she is “too available,” he continues to date the emotionally empty, the geographically undesirable, or the repeat offenders.

I often struggle to understand why people feel the need to pursue relationships that will result in more difficulty than pleasure. I always thought this behavior would dissipate with maturity and age, but as I have developed and become more conscious to my surrounding environment, I have realized that in some cases, the drama magnifies. There are people who choose to marry the undesirable, and in turn, live a life that is empty, hostile, and lacking in love. I believe the most critical emotion that must be experienced is LOVE, which is devastating to live without. Therefore, why do we allow ourselves to self-destruct by spending our time with “the undesirable?”

Many of you might not be able to relate with “desiring the undesirable” because you are in a solid relationship or marriage, and feel like you are falling more in love with each passing day. If this is the case, then I commend you, but at the same time, I guarantee there are people in your world who are inflicted with this challenging love syndrome. But I am going to state that love should NOT be a battle, it should NOT be a constant struggle, and it most certainly should NOT be absent from a relationship. I do believe that when we desire the undesirable, we are mistaking infatuation for love, and more often than not, allowing the excitement of what lies ahead to influence our decision. I do believe that some people find love in all the wrong places, which adds a level of difficulty to an already complex connection. I also believe it is possible to turn an undesirable relationship into a desirable one, but there are certain factors, that could impinge on whether or not a relationship of this nature will last.

There is not a universal strategy that will enable you to avoid the challenging love syndrome; however, I think it is important to experience these types of relationships in order to become clearer as to what you are truly looking for. This could result in broken hearts and divorce, but ultimately, if you take the time to look at your relationships on a deeper level, there will be many areas that will provide you with invaluable lessons. The key to this equation is NOT trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. If it is not meant to be, then please for your sake, and for the sake of the people in your world, DO NOT FORCE IT. Relationships that are forced lead to a compromised identity for both parties and a life of emptiness.

When we were children our parents told us that there are many fish in the sea, aka potential life partners; and although this is a simple cliché, it is 100% true. Therefore, if your internal voice is saying “NO,” then I encourage you to listen because desiring the undesirable will potentially result in the most important emotion being vacant from your world…LOVE!

Are you currently “desiring the undesirable”…This could be in a relationship, career, friendship, etc.? Please explain…

What does this mean to you? Please leave a comment.

Acknowledgements for the picture from Flickr

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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Michele Rosenthal November 20, 2009 at 9:13 am

I’d be interested in knowing what this man’s beliefs are about love, relationships, and his deserving to have the best of these things. So often in my clients I see them repeating old, bad patterns because we fall into habits we don’t even recognize due to beliefs that got put into place years ago. Discovering what’s holding him back from engaging in a better type of relationship – i.e. what he believes about that kind of relationship and himself in it – might help him begin to make a shift. But of course, Jared, I’m sure you already know that! :)

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JY November 20, 2009 at 9:50 pm

This is such great feedback Michele and I actually had him read your post because I believe it is important for him to hear this from someone other than myself. This epitomizes the patterns which are passed from prior generations (parents, grand parents, great-grand parents, etc.) creating an endless cycle of “unhealthy relationships.” This is true in many areas of lives, but tends to surface with love on a consistent basis. When we are children, this is our opportunity to learn what this emotion is all about and if we are in a situation where our parents are in a toxic relationship, this is unfortunately all that we know. But with this being said, IT IS NEVER to late the break the cycle of life and to create your own cycle for the present and future. This gentleman has come a long way, and I firmly believe that he will begin to define LOVE for himself, as opposed his prior experiences dictating the way he utilizes this emotion, which happens to be the essence of life. Thank you for always providing such incredible contributions!

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Linda Arrieche November 20, 2009 at 9:16 am

so true- the fact that the woman was “too available” and so he didn’t want her is a syndrome , I call the”I wouldn’t join a club, that would have ME”, syndrome.This is an old Groucho Marx comment-meaning that the root of his “problem” is most likely much insecurity,(I am a loser),so much so that a “woman that would HAVE him, is most likely some kind of loser. Since SHE wants ME, therefore, she must have something wrong with her and not be good enough for ME”!

Very convoluted, but I see it alot in those that are dating and looking for a partner.

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JY November 20, 2009 at 9:53 pm

Your comment is unfortunately TRUE and happens for both males and females. For some reason, society has forced us to believe that the “CHASE” is exciting and the way it is “supposed to be.” If we are too available, easy, or OPEN, our demand diminishes. Love is not game, love should not be a struggle, and love should definitely not result in DRAMA. I am open to other peoples opinions, but this is my belief. Thank you Linda for your contributions and expressing how you feel!

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Kathleen November 20, 2009 at 11:37 am

I think if we as young teenagers are taught to see the “red flags” perhaps it would help one to move along without the desire to test the waters. Somehow I always thought that if you loved someone enough that power of love could change them. It just doesn’t happen, it took me almost 20 years and a lot of misery to figure that one out. Last but not least , only YOU can make you happy! Being happy, looking on the bright side and being optimistic may have caused me to put up with a bad relationship for longer than I should have but these characteristics also saved me from going completely to pieces during my separation. Now, 6 years after my divorce, I have a wonderful relationship with a man I love, respect, trust and adore. The words ‘you reap what what you sough’ are so true. There really is the perfect someone for everyone, when you find that special someone, call it love at first site, lust, or whatever you want but the feeling should be like BAM! Then you ask all the right questions, if you get the right answers, persue it, take it one day at a time, if your heart says yes and your brain concurs, you may have yourself a winner! If you get nothing but drama-rama it’s time to say good-bye and move on. Life is too short! And THAT’S worth thinking about!

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JY November 20, 2009 at 9:59 pm

This is such an inspiring story Kathleen and I feel fortunate that you have decided to share. You made many interesting points and I believe that the fellow subscribers will benefit from reading your message. One of the key areas that I would like to emphasize has to do with everyones ability to find their other half, their soul mate, and the love of their life as long as they do not settle. I 100% agree with this philosophy, but what I found is that it will not become a REALITY unless you first become acquainted with yourself. You need to take the time to understand who you really are as a person and DEFINE your BRANDENTITY! Because if you do not, the result could be a relationship that is doomed for disaster, as you are unsure of what you are truly looking for in another person. This is not a simply task, but it is a REQUIREMENT if you want to live a life of LOVE with someone who is congruent with your BRANDENTITY. I am so happy that you have decided to take this introspective journey and found someone who is not only compatible, but the LOVE of your LIFE!!!! Good for you and enjoy one another…

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Afsoon July 12, 2014 at 3:37 pm

..i too always say so but it cannt hapepn in all cases…we teach ,we learn but we do experience different from practical in life!-abt your poem-very well written and expressed .Hindi mein likh raho yahi badi baat hai ..likhtey raheeye

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including being July 25, 2014 at 9:18 pm

We could’ve done with that insight early on.

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Duygu November 23, 2009 at 11:08 am

I think; he does not love himself or he does not like the way he is and treats people. By finding the wrong person over an over again; he shows that he does not know what he wants from a relationship or/and a girlfriend. And as a result of this he thinks he will find what he wants by trying relationships. He jumps into relationship without thinking of what his standarts are, or what he is looking for. Instead of doing that he can just get to know the person first that he attracted to (cuz everone knows that a man would not be interested with a girl who is not phiscially attracted at the first moment) and than see if this person provides him what he wants from a relationship. Then become a partner.. How do i know this? :) )) look at myself sometimes…He has to look at himself first, find the happiness inside, then look at others to be able to give happiness. If he can learn to be alone and take sometime off from relationships in order to get to know himself, he would finally get what he wants.. Great topic!

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JY November 23, 2009 at 8:04 pm

You make an interesting point because the definition of insanity states, “Doing the same thing over and over while expecting a different result.” I believe that one of his challenges is his lack of self worth because he does not believe that he DESERVES someone who will provide unconditional love in an environment that actually leads to survival. I also want to emphasize your point about finding happiness inside because the ONLY person who will be with your for your entire life is YOURSELF, which means that you need to first begin loving the “who you are,” “what you stand for,” and “what makes you…YOU” before you could ever provide someone else with this powerful emotion. Time off could definitely be a solution that would potentially yield results, and I also think that a self analysis of each relationship would behoove this individual so that he can finally become conscious to the challenges that he is choosing in his world. Thank you for your contributions Duygu and I am eager to see what you think of future blog posts!

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Summer April 14, 2011 at 2:19 pm

Toucdowhn! That’s a really cool way of putting it!

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Oleg Mokhov November 23, 2009 at 11:47 am

Hey Jared,

When a relationship (with a person, career, activity, location) is meant to be, it just works.

Like you pointed out, you don’t need to make it a struggle. You don’t have to work at it and still get little results. It just works. And if it doesn’t, perhaps it’s a sign that the person/work/place isn’t right for you.

If a relationship with a person is a natural fit, then you don’t need to work at it. You simply get along, inspire each other, give value and positive energy, and so forth. That doesn’t mean it’s some fairy-tale no-disagreement wonderland – of course not. It just means that on the whole, you don’t struggle with the person. Any disagreements are easily worked out rather than escalating into something unpleasant.

When you’re in a city that’s right for you, you just feel it. The energy is right, and you don’t have to convince yourself or explain something. You feel at home. The same goes for the work you do: if it’s aligned with your values and passion, then you don’t need to force yourself to get things done – you just naturally do it.

It can be tough to find what’s right for us. Maybe if we’ve been around decent-enough stuff for so long, we think that it’s just the way life is. I know it was that way for me. But what helped was to think of that plenty-of-fish-in-the-sea analogy.

The more I explored different types of people, work, and places, the more things I discovered that I just felt this instant connection with. No struggle required. And that made realize I don’t have to settle but can continue to explore and surround myself with relationships like that.

Nice reminder to not settle and introduce awesome relationships into our lives – ones that just work,
Oleg

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JY November 23, 2009 at 8:17 pm

You nailed it OLEG!!! This is so true because sometimes we are unable to DEFINE why something “feels right,” because it just is. Whether it is a relationship, career, location, decision, restaurant, etc. if it is RIGHT, it is most definitely RIGHT! I do think that people tend to struggle with determining if something is right because of all the excess noise in their world. This comes from society, family, friends, and everyone in between. We constantly hear an echo of what we SHOULD BE, DO, AND HAVE, resulting in decisions where we begin to desire the undesirable. Maybe we settle in a relationship, career, or geographic location, but is so important to realize that a life of setting and of trying to fit a square peg in a round hole, leads to a life where you do not even know yourself! And all I have to say is that this is UNACCEPTABLE….

Live like it is your last day on earth, but learn like you will live forever….!

Once again, thank you for your contributions Oleg and thank you for sharing your message!

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Stephanie November 23, 2009 at 8:29 pm

Behavior patterns formed early in life are the only way we know how to be with people. In my case, my mother is bipolar/schizoaffective and I was the oldest of 4 children. I grew up being a rescuer and married someone who I felt needed rescued – of course having no idea what I was doing or why. These relationship habits are hard to break because people like me do not know what healthy relationships are like and do not feel comfortable with ‘normal’. After I divorced it took a very long time for me to realize that to find someone ‘good’ I needed to define what that was. Not blame others (all men are bad) or luck – I needed to list those qualities that were things I deserved in a relationship. That helped because if you don’t know what you are looking for you will never find it. You will only live what is familiar.

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JY November 23, 2009 at 9:09 pm

Stephanie….I so appreciate your willingness to share and be transparent. You mentioned how you grew up in a home where the foundations of “LOVE” did not exist, your mother had her fair share of challenges, and there may have been a number of other issues that existed as well (either consciously or unconsciously). You became a rescuer because this was your role as a child and you “DID NOT KNOW ANY OTHER WAY!” This led to a difficult marriage, followed by a divorce, and then the quest to find who you truly are as a person. What you just explained epitomizes IDENTITY ISSUES because what happens is that we are handed a CYCLE, one that may have started YEARSSSSS ago, and until we have the courage to BREAK THIS CYCLE of LIFE, it will continue to destruct generations to come. But it seems to me, like you made a choice, you made a choice for yourself, and for those who will enter your world in the future. The choice you made, and probably are continuing to make, is to live by your own terms. To let go of what once was, accept what is, and REACH for what will be. I want you to know, THAT YOU CAN DO THIS! Do not give up, do not settle, and do no think that your adolsecent foundaiton needs to be the platform that you use today.

As a result of your transparency, I am going to provide you with some insight into my life. Because my parents had a toxic relationship, followed by a messy divorce. I also had NO IDEA what love was and had not idea what a HEALTHY relationship was all about. But what I did know is that something did not feel right. Two months ago (after 17 years of being divorced) my mother got remarried to the LOVE of her life. She found her other half, her soul mate, and her companion for her magic carpet ride. She spent 17 years desiring the undesirable, being a rescuer, and acting as a doormat to the world, BUT she never gave up. This why I know you will also find whatever it is that you are looking for, but the first step, is to begin the LOVE yourself!

Take a look at the BRANDENTITY INTERVIEWS (subscribe as well) because I have a feeling that you will resonate with these audios. If you feel comfortable, I would be more than happy to have you share your story as well…let me know your thoughts and contact me in the ASK JARED section…..

Thank you for your contributions, thank you for being you, and get ready for the adventure of a lifetime…WELCOME TO BRANDENTITY!

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Jill Mazza November 24, 2009 at 9:38 am

Everyone’s comments throughout this discussion resonate highly with me and it is a pleasure to be part of this dialogue. I am a life and communication coach focused on helping professional women and men of all ages to achieve greater success and satisfaction by honing communication and interpersonal skills

At 35 years old, I have attracted my ideal life partner, best friend, and soul mate. He came into my life after years of self-work and personal and professional balance building. I declared to the Universe that I love and respect myself and was ready to accept love and respect from someone else. Self-love and understanding opened my life to finding my partner.

Truly understanding and being able to articulate who we are and what we want in life, at work and in relationships are on-going practices. We work so hard in our lives. However, we rarely take the time to work ‘on ourselves’ in our lives. Thus, interpersonal conflict and unsatisfying relationships often stem from unrealistic expectations and a lack of clarity around who we are and what we truly desire and require from others.

Being aware of how we are showing up energetically and emotionally in relationships helps us understand that we attract and create all of our relationship dynamics. In life and love, we have a choice in how we show up – and therefore whom we attract.

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JY November 24, 2009 at 2:34 pm

@Jill…This is such an inspiring story about your quest for love and a valuable lesson that you shared. What I have found is that people spend their pivotal developmental years (20-30) trying to FIND A PERFECT MATE, as opposed to trying to become their OWN PERFECT COMPANION. It is impossible to love someone more than you love yourself. I repeat, it is impossible to love someone more than you love yourself and if you do not put the time, energy, and effort into YOU, the chances of finding your other half is significantly diminished. I love how you emphasized ‘work on ourselves,’ because this is the essence of creating an IDENTITY for yourself. The time where we are able to listen to our own thoughts, the time when we are able to just look in the mirror, and the time when we sit with our eyes closed to the world and our imagination runs wild. This is what we need, this is what we yearn for, and this is what enables you to live the life you create for yourself, as opposed to the life that someone or something creates on your behalf. Thank you for contributing this wonderful message and congratulations to YOU for finding yourself and eventually your soul-mate! WELCOME TO BRANDENTITY!

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Ulvi July 6, 2014 at 10:08 pm

I was really confused, and this answered all my quisneots.

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Armine Abelyan November 24, 2009 at 1:26 pm

Hi Jared,

I would like to comment for the gentlemen.
His statement about the ‘woman … too available” talks only about one thing. He fears and he is not ready for a relationship with a woman who is both nice and intelligent. All problems are inside us. Once we know them and work on them, we can solve any kind of problem, be it a relationship with man or woman.
So, in this case, the gentlemen should understand himself, analyze his fear towards the coming relationship, it’s far easy to say “she is too available”… this somehow prooves the contrary “ I am not enough good for this woman who is both nice and intelligent”.
So, he should search the problem inside him and do not lose his chance when LIFE comes with …

Armine

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JY November 24, 2009 at 2:38 pm

@Armine…you captured an critical point for all of us to consider because when we do not allow ourselves to create a realtionship with someone WE DESERVE, our lack of self worth is revealed. Some would consider this immaturity, but I consider it inaqeduacy in our mind. There are only a few universal laws in my opinion, but one is that EVERYONE yearns to give and receive LOVE. Everyone desires this profound emotion, but when we avoid it like the plague, it has nothing to do with the people in our world, but rather everything to do with our opinion of ourselves. Thank you for contributing and WELCOME TO BRANDENTITY!

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Tangela April 14, 2011 at 9:43 am

Thanks alot – your answer solved all my problems after several days sturgiglng

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Lisa November 25, 2009 at 11:57 am

I would guess it’s because 1. Some people would rather be in a bad situation than be alone or 2. People don’t like change, even if it’s positive. Then there’s always the addictive personality: to a person or a certain emotional dynamic – i.e. the abused child who then marries an abusive partner. It’s all they know, so it’s comfortable for them in spite of how painful it might be..

With career, people have different needs: They might stay in an unsatisfying job because they have security, which they value over contentment.

These patterns run deep in people who have them, and it takes hard work to break them – sometimes harder than people can handle, because changing patterns requires dredging up old issues. The reward of living with love in every area of life just isn’t motivating enough, they aren’t aware of the proper resources to get help (this is a lot to take on without a professional) or they’re just not ready.

I’ve found that as I’ve gotten older, the drama has decreased – because I don’t tolerate it. I’ve learned what love and contentment should feel like, and what they don’t. But again, this is something that needs to be learned if the ideal environment isn’t presented from the beginning, so the old patterns continue until the person decides to make a change.

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JY November 25, 2009 at 2:41 pm

@Lisa…Thank you for taking the time to share these insightful remarks with everyone. What I have found is that people often get STUCK in a track on a vinyl record. The result is going around and around in circles, while the same lyrics continue to play, over and over again. This leads to a life where nothing changes and we continue to experience the pain associated with living a life that is less than what we deserve. I often feel like people are handed a cycle, from generations ago, that comprises of the habits and ways of thinking from their ancestors. There is obviously duality to this cycle, but until each person has the courage, and I repeat, the courage, to BREAK THE CYCLE, they will continue to do what they have always done and will continue to get the same results. I am so happy hat you have began to listen to your intuition and when the environment does not feel right, you take action and make a change. You are an inspiration and should be extremely proud of the “who you are!” Thank you again and WELCOME to BRANDENTITY!

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Dr. David Moore January 5, 2010 at 9:32 pm

Great insights, keep them rolling Jared!

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JY January 5, 2010 at 9:59 pm

I am so happy that you enjoy!!!!

Keep on spreading the message because the IDENTITY REVOLUTION is the wave of the present and future…

Thank you for embarking on this adventure…

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kathleen leos March 19, 2010 at 1:00 pm

There is also another syndrome that is unique to women. Women who are very talented, intelligent, accomplished, successful often choose mates, partners, individuals in “quasi-love” relationships that are not healthy or valued to either person- “bright women-bad choices” syndrome. I have often thought it is where women are intellectually ahead of themselves emotionally and don’t realize it and then choose someone who may “fit” their emotional life but not their intellectual life- I know many women in this situation. To me, it is why taking the time and effort to “Know Thyself” and Love and Respect Thyself is so important. Once an individual begins to reconcile their emotional life with their intellectual life, it can open the door to healthier relationship possibilities for everyone involved. It may take some time and some mistakes to learn oneself better but the unity of one’s mind, soul, and psyche can provide a great foundation to inner peace and stronger well-balanced relationships with others.

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