I hope that everyone had the most wonderful Valentine’s Day, allowing yourselves to feel the LOVE that WAS in the AIR! After the last blog post, I had people from around world connect with me because they had invested the time in themselves and their relationships, in order to distinguish between what they deemed desirable and undesirable characteristics. What I found most fascinating were two particular stories involving couples married for over fifteen years. In each case, both partners felt that they were trapped in a relationship that was quiescent, unemotional, and lacking in love. The result was co-inhabitation with a partner creating an incredible void in the household. At the culmination of last week’s message, both of these individuals invested the time in the seven-step process and started to realize that there was an uncanny and unconventional amount of love that was still present in their relationship- only lying dormant. They learned that the characteristics that they had once thought were undesirable were relatively insignificant in the grand scheme of things and instead, their inability to communicate their feelings properly was the true barrier in their relationship. This is a critical distinction that needs to be addressed because this obstruction exists in many of your relationships. Love is an interesting concept because there are many ways to communicate this emotion, but it is misunderstood more often than not. As a result of this realization, I am going to share a philosophy, technique, strategy, and way of life that will CHANGE your relationships forever. I have embraced these fundamental concepts into my life, and 
as a result the relationship that I share with my lover has led to growth in all areas.
This Valentine’s Day was special for me because I had the opportunity to “get away” from my typical 24/7 routine, shut off all electronics, and enjoy intimate time with my soul mate, lover, and best friend. I believe that one of the reasons that so few couples experience the magnificence and unexplainable feelings associated with LOVE is because they do not give their relationship the time that is needed for growth to occur. There are many ways that this could take place but the most effective is doing something together that is outside of your routine. That means going away on an unexpected weekend trip, maybe a vacation, out to dinner, etc. Love is reignited in the unexpected and in nontraditional means. This is why we decided to take a trip to Cape May and spend time in a beautiful bed and breakfast. This experience was intended to break our limiting routines, enabling us to have deep, introspective conversations while sharing intimacy and simply fall more in love than ever before. As a result, we did the unthinkable and took our already booming relationship to an entirely new level. The reason I am sharing this with all of you is because you too, possess the ability to make this happen. At any point in time, you can surprise your partner and do something that you would not ordinarily do. If finances are an issue, cook a special dinner and light candles- maybe rent a move, but break the pattern of your mundane relationship.
With all of this being said, your actions will be futile if you do not take the time to learn the lessons that I am going to share with all of you today. The reason why my relationship is one that continues to experience growth is because we have learned that love is the art of communicating the unexplainable and accepting the irrational. Your ability to communicate how you feel about one another will take your relationship to the next level. I mentioned in my last blog post that I was going to share The Five Love Languages, which is a concept that was developed by Gary Chapman after years of relationship analysis. But before we begin, I want you to take a moment and answer the following questions:
What makes one relationship thrive, while others simply survive or even dissipate?
What type of relationship do you have?
This is an interesting concept to consider because all of our relationships fall into one of these categories. Regardless of your current situation, the philosophy that I am going to share is one that will enable you to LOVE THYSELF and also begin communicating your feelings to whomever is in your world in a way that permits them to feel LOVED as well. Love is not about receiving, but rather about giving in an unconditional manner, as long as your values are not compromised.
Therefore, with no further adieu, here are The Five Love Languages:
1. Words of Affirmation
This love language deals with verbally communicating how you feel about your partner. Words are critically important to an individual whose primary love language is via affirmations and acknowledgements. It deals with recognizing someone for whatever it is that they do and communicating this on a regular basis. It is important to compliment people who understand love through this vernacular while always focusing on being authentic and genuine. Surprising your loved one with a note is something that will enable them to feel good about who they are as they cherish the LOVE that bonds your relationship together.
2. Quality Time
This love language deals with present time consciousness where each partner is fully engaged in the relationship. Individuals who yearn for this love language feel an incredible sense of adoration when their partner looks them in the eyes and eliminates all distractions from their existence. It deals with allowing your loved one to speak, and sometimes only listening, without providing a solution to their challenge. Quality conversation is also critical and needs to be scheduled each day in order to fulfill their “emotional love tank.” Individuals who yearn for this type of treatment enjoy long walks together, unexpected bike rides, deep conversations, weekend getaways, and question/answer sessions. The key to the quality time language is to be fully present each moment that the lovers are together.
3. Receiving Gifts
This love language is one that is deeply rooted during our formative years when parents reward their children with material items. As a result, children mature and believe that gifts equate to love and this becomes their language of choice. With this being said, gifts not only need to be material items, but also could consist of the gift of self, where a partner attends an event or a special occasion. When this takes place, the individual needs to focus on maintaining positive energy so that their partner feels loved. Unexpected gifts, regardless of the size or value, will always leave an individual who speaks this language feeling fulfilled.
4. Acts of Service
This love language deals with changing “have to’s” into “want to’s.” Individuals who yearn to receive love through acts of service look for their partner to contribute when it comes to tasks around the house. These acts of kindness must be performed with a positive spirit or they will have a reverse impact in the lives of the receivers. When a loved one requests for assistance (mowing the lawn, cooking dinner, cleaning the bathroom), it is important to complete these activities without any resentment simply to enable your loved one to feel fulfilled.
5. Physical Touch
This love language deals with intimacy through tactile responses. Partners who yearn for this language seek both implicit touching, which deals with caressing sensitive areas of the body, and explicit touching, which focusing on sexual intercourse. An individual who desires a sense of touch will feel unattractive if this language does not exist in their relationship. Holding hands, hugging, unexpected massages, playing with ones hair, etc. are all ways to leave your partner feeling fulfilled.
It is important to read this message with an intention behind your attention, as nothing will change if you do not make the conscious effort to take action upon your findings. Once this process unfolds, begin discussing various strategies so that each individual will have the opportunity to feel fulfilled in life because LOVE is the most critical emotion that exists. It also important to realize that these love languages represent simplicity on the far side of complexity because their premise is simple to understand, but their application is often where the voids are experienced. Therefore, take the time to discover your Language of Love and the dialect that you your partner yearns to hear so that you can begin to do the unthinkable together and experience the unimagined because the LOVE that you share is DIVINE, and completely unique to you!
What is your LANGUAGE of LOVE?
What does this mean to you? Please leave a comment.
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{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
You discovered the key to healthy, successful relationships. They take attention and acting with intention, but not work. Spending intentional time with one’s partner is the only way to keep the relationship functional. Unfortunately, most people “fit” their partner in instead of creating time to be with him or her. This is one of the problems children can present to a relationship. Children, especially infants, don’t wait. As a result, the relationship gets put on the back burner until there is time for it. It gathers dust and inertia and, frequently, can not be resuscitated. All because it didn’t receive the necessary attention to not only survive, but thrive.
This is such an important point that you have addressed Lesli and I so appreciate your willingness to share.
Relationships that lack the intentional time will lead to a void in the lives of each individual. As time continues, this gap expands, which represents the relationship eventually falling apart. The key, like you said, is to create time…and not just time, but rather SPECIAL time that can be enjoyed together….
Intimacy is something that is unique to the beholders, but it must be present, and it must be present often!
Thank you again for all that you do!
My Love Languages are the following:
1) Quality Time
2) Physical Touch
3) Words of Affirmation
This is a great book I read it and implement its principles. I would encourage all to read and share the message contained in the book. Always remember everyone in your immediate family has different love languages. It is up to you to first identify your own and then theirs. Afterwhich you can start loving them in a language they can understand and appreciate.
Thank you so much for sharing your LANGUAGES of LOVE and for also explaining the importance of discovering this for the people in your world. There is nothing more valuable than showing the people in your life how much you love them through the language that makes most sense!!!!
As a society we have begun to live in homes, relationships and at work ‘alone together’. It is showing up in the way that people communicate with each other. We are startingm to have our differences and our disagreements on facebook, in texts and by e-mail. We interpret the tone of the e-mail the way WE want to interpret it and we can make the other person be ‘wrong’. If we talked on the phone, or face to face, we would receive the comments in the way it was delivered.
When our partner, friend or family member doesn’t ‘fit’ our mold we delete them. And we move onto another short-term friendship until we find something wrong with them. Compromise or delete?
If this resonates with you, you won’t delete this and move onto the next blog that makes you feel good. Take ownership and make the changes…be the change that the world needs. Relationships are starving…start to feed them the healthy way…by connecting in person.
This is such an interesting response and I love the way that you concluded the message…
Relationships are starving…start to feed them the healthy way…by connecting in person.
This is unfortunately true because as people begin to “settle” into their relationships, the love that once was, is no longer, and instead hidden amidst many layers. The result is starvation and the desire to find this emotion in all the wrong places….the solution….CONNECTING AND THEN COMMUNICATING!
This is what concerns me about marriage. People don’t understand the commitment and then punt when things aren’t smooth or they aren’t “happy”. We don’t do a good job of teaching people how to connect with each other and then seem surprised when they can’t. Speaking in 140 characters does not a conversation make. We seem to be finding ways to disconnect and then can’t understand why we feel so alone. Humans are communal creatures. We need each other to survive. Harlow’s experiment with baby monkeys proves how much we need each other.
Harlow’s experiment is a wonderful example of the need for human interaction and I appreciate your willingness to share. I completely agree that one of the root causes of an empty marriage is an inability to communicate effectively so that both partners feel LOVED! There is nothing as severe than a life without this emotion and in turn, marriages or relationships that experience this void will lead to a sacrificed existence. We need to invest the time, energy, and effort (which should be FUN!) into harvesting our LOVE over the course of time so that it continues to GROW!!!
Thank you again for all that you do!!!
I always thought my love language was physical touch, until I read the book. When I feel filled up is when I spend time with people – watching a movie, chatting over coffee, laughing, etc. So my love language is Quality Time.
Once I became aware of the gifts it was so much easier to accept people…they are not selfish because they want gifts…that is how they receive love. Very easy to accept!
This concept changed my life…and it will if everyone is open to it…and will accept other’s gifts as part of their makeup and their beauty!
Sandy..once again…this is a wonderful share!!! It is critical to find and embrace your LANGUAGE OF LOVE because it will enable you to truly feel fulfilled each and every moment that your partner takes action in this manner…..
Once the language is discovered (on both sides of the relationship) the next step is to work together so that each individual feels loved on a daily basis!!!!
Acts of Service is my main one followed by physical touch.
Here is a perspective on using the Love Languages in the workplace and in leadership in an article titled “Your Leadership Love Cup” at the Linked 2 Leadership site http://linked2leadership.com/2009/09/23/your-leadership-love-cup/
~Tom
The article that you shared is wonderfully written and I appreciate your transparency about your primary and secondary love languages…..
My language of Love? It is my Voice … which happens to be Love!
In all I do, my voice must be present for each and every interaction to be as it ought. In other words, for what I do to be truly authentic, my voice of Love must be active.
Excellent share Jeff…this is just so authentic!!!!
I wish to share an experience that I had with respect to these 5 Love Languages, communication and relationship.
A few years ago, I was conducting a training program for school children. A parent called me up to discuss about her daughter prior to registering the daughter. Both parents came and they informed me of the challenge that they had regarding their daughter who have been throwing frightening tantrums for about a year then. When she went into her rage, she would throw anything or anyone (sister, brother, father included) away from her. Only her mom could get close and the mom reported that by holding onto her daughter tightly could the rage subside. At times, she had to hold her daughter for over 24 hours continuously before her daughter calmed down. At the time the daughter was 18 years of age.
During the training program, we (my wife and I) found her to be a sweet, polite and loving young lady. After the training program, we took her in for some coaching. Then we called in her parents for feedback. We told the parents that her love language is physical touch. We told the dad to continue doing what he had been doing as his love language was also physical touch (he was very relieved to hear that!). When they walked, they would hold hands; he hugged her, etc. Her emotional tank with her dad was full.
Her mom’s love language was acts of service. She would cook, prepare meals, do the laundry, drive the children to and from school, etc. There was hardly any physical touch as she felt that her daughter is already grown up for all the touchy-feely stuff. Because of that, the daughter’s emotional tank with the mom was dry. Unconsciously, the daughter realized that the only way she could have physical touch from her mom was by throwing tantrums. That was why when she went into her rage, only her mom could get near her as she only needed her mom to fill her emotional tank. She doesn’t need the rest of the family as her emotional tank with them are filled.
We suggested to the mom to have more physical contact with her daughter. Though reluctant at first, she did have a go. I’m happy to say that just two weeks after doing that, the symptom just disappeared.
The experience that I shared above demonstrated that when two people in a relationship do not communicate in the right way, the relationship suffers. There was no question about the mother-daughter relationship. However, the lack of interpersonal communication skills (in this case the 5 Love Languages) brought the relationship into jeopardy. In as much as communication requires the right relationship, the right relationship may only thrive when the individuals involved have the right communication skills. As Jon Echanove pointed out in the “Self-Actualization” discussion board “the quality of a relationship and the quality of the communication are co-emergent and co-dependent”. So, in-as-much as we are developing our communication skills, be intentional of the relationship that we are creating.
Thank you.
Marzuki
Marzuki…
I do not even know where to begin because your story CAPTURES the ESSENCE of the five languages of love. This is such a powerful concept, one that not only works in theory, but will have a lasting impact once time is spent learning and assessing each individuals love language. There is one point that I must emphasize because you communicated it so effectively:
“communication requires the right relationship, the right relationship may only thrive when the individuals involved have the right communication skills…”
This is what LOVE, RELATIONSHIPS, and LIFE is all about…COMMUNICATE…COMMUNICATE…COMMUNICATE!
Thank you so much!
I have read the book and I find it very interesting and helpful and often suggest it to those that are not “feeling the love”!
I am a cross between words of affermation and acts of service!
Jennie…thank you so much for sharing and for recommending this book to the people in your world who YEARN to be loved!
I Love the acts of service, LOVE the physical touch. And, if the sweet, tender, up-lifting words are often spoken, I feel truely loved when all those things are happening. In addition , when I am consulted, and information is exchanged, and when both people make the decisions (not just the one), love is at the ultimate and my cup is full.
It is so important to have the crystal clarity that you possess Viola because this is exactly what will be attracted into your life…I admire the who you are!
always thought my love language was physical touch, until I read the book. When I feel filled up is when I spend time with people – watching a movie, chatting over coffee, laughing, etc. So my love language is Quality Time.
Once I became aware of the gifts it was so much easier to accept people…they are not selfish because they want gifts…that is how they receive love. Very easy to accept!
This concept changed my life…and it will if everyone is open to it…and will accept other’s gifts as part of their makeup and their beauty!
Thank you for being so open with this comment because I believe many people are unsure of their language of love but once this realization takes place, the magic will begin to manifest…..
I feel acts of service,quality time along with physical touch.As acts of service is the faith over the individual which is the most essential part of life.
Thank you so much for sharing!
What is the definition of love? Love is hard to describe and it has been done in many different ways, with poetry, with a story, movies, … , just many different ways all trying to put the essence of what love is into a few words.
There is an ancient definition that seems to capture what love really is.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
That seems to be a pretty good definition of what love looks like.
When you say you love someone what does it look like?
Take this same ancient wisdom and look at it a bit differently.
Put your name in the blanks.
_____ is patient, ____ is kind. ____ does not envy, _____ does not boast, ______ is not proud. _______ is not rude, __________ is not self-seeking, __________ is not easily angered, _________ keeps no record of wrongs.
What areas would you like to do better in?