I recently had a conversation with a close friend about his frustration with the lifestyle choices that his parents were making. They eat incredibly unhealthy foods, do not even consider exercising, and continually focus on the challenges in their lives. In essence, they were making decisions that were leading to a poor quality of life and a compromised existence. The irony of this conversation is that it happens regularly. Many people in my world approach me and express their resentment towards their spouse, child, friend, colleague, etc., because of their inability to positively influence the way they are living their lives. As the bitterness builds, the relationship begins to unravel and potentially disintegrate. But the question that I must ask all of you is the following:
What is the root of your frustration?
I believe the reason that far too many people are resistant to change is because the messenger is living a life of contradictions. As a result, the intention behind the message is for naught, as the receiver does not view the speaker as a model of what they are preaching. In addition, the messenger does not posses the necessary conviction in order to inspire change because they do not even believe themselves. With this being said, the root of the frustration is that our critiques are not directed at a third party, but rather are the words which echo in our minds. What we yearn to change about someone else, is often our most severe insecurity for ourselves.
There is a quote that one of my mentors once told me which states, “…contradictions lead to destruction and the size of the destruction is based on the magnitude of the contradiction…” Therefore, if your primary goal is to have your children change the way they eat so that healthier foods comprise a larger percentage of their diets, then be the example of what you are looking for them to achieve and put down the donuts and cookies. If your primary goal is to have your best friend change their lifestyle by quitting smoking, then be the example and put down your social cigarette and take ownership of this suggestion. And if you primary goal is to change your relationship by being more intimate, then be the example and plan a romantic evening with your spouse or loved one in order to rekindle the spark that initiated your relationship. The point that I am stressing is that in order for change to occur, you must do what Gandhi has told all of us and “be the change that you want to see in this world.”
I define a Contradiction in the following manner:
An action taken (or not taken) resulting in an undesired response within oneself.
A solution to eliminating the contradictions from your life is to be honest with yourself. You need to take an important journey, one within your own personal existence, where you uncover areas of incongruence and begin understanding why they are present. Start asking yourself questions about what your life would look and feel like once you become the model, not the critic. How will your changes influence the people in your world? It is important to realize that this process has a foundation of personal responsibility where you begin understanding what makes you who you are as opposed to who you are not.
This journey is not for the faint of heart, and will potentially lead to frustrations and feelings of defeat, but what I encourage you to realize is that living a life of contradictions is unacceptable. If you are looking to have an impact on as many lives as possible, especially your own, then your inconsistencies need to be eliminated while you become congruent with your requests. This concept of abolishing contradictions sounds simple in theory, but in actuality, is something that few people achieve in their world. What is critical to realize is that once you are conscious to change, you can react ONE SECOND faster to prevent the action that you are looking to avoid from surfacing.
It is time that we prevent ourselves from falling into the trap of “do what I say, not what I do,” because the people in your world are looking for a “tour guide” who can lead them to a place where you have already gone as a result of eliminating your contradictions.
What contradictions exist in your world?
What does this mean to you? Please leave a comment.
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{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Great subject, Jared!
Nothing will keep one centered and very careful about what they advise others to do than to be a parent – and I was the parent of 7! Children will “throw it all right back at you.” In a series of Character Education lessons I have created, the theme that runs thru them all is “your children are listening to everthing you say and watching everything you do! We cannot tell them to avoid gossip, then be on the phone for an hour talking about other people; we cannot tell them to be helpful and compassionate and then avoid reaching out to others, giving of our time and resources.
You are so right – we must first become what it is that we wish to teach or advise others to do. We can teach silently – no words are necessary – simply by the quiet example of our own lives.
Blessings,
Joy
Yes, do as I say, not as I do. Kids don’t often let you get away with it.
Besides being honest with yourself, you also have to know what you want. You might want to make a certain high salary, but what are you doing to get it? You may want a closer relationship with someone but what are you doing yourself.
I recently used the services of Auriella O’Neil. She teaches people how to consciously create their world, how they want it to be. And it encompasses every aspect – from the object of your dreams to the relationships you want. So if your husband is uncooperative and being difficult, if that’s what you complain about and focus on, then that’s what you’ll get. When you, instead, remember the times when he’s been cooperative and wonderful, that’s what you should focus on. It’s not manipulating him. It’s about you taking responsibility for what happens in your world.
Personal responsibility. When you realize how much you really are in charge of your results, you’ll either shrink from it or embrace it.
Once again Jared you have hit close to home with me. I had a minor set back this last weekend which led me to re-evaluate my lifestyle. I realized I need to be in alignment with my intentions, be honest with myself and walk my talk. I kept affirming to handle the set back gracefully and not mentally beat my self up. I’m reprogramming my brain and I am learning to be more patient with myself and not judge. Being a contradiction is no longer acceptable for me and I will be the change that I KNOW I can be. Thank again Jared, YOU ROCK!!!!!
Ghandi’s search for Truth led him to rebuke the contradictions he experienced in his own life. Pursue simplicity- argue internally about his own personal discrepancies and struggle with the guilt he felt when he not only discovered his self-contradictions but also openly divulged the steps he took to reconcile his differences. He was an amazing mentor and role model who constantly pushed his limits to eliminate his truthful contradictions which “forced” others to face theirs. Oh that we could be that open, honest, transparent and pro-active. His goal was not to change others but search prfoundly to find himself.